Some very personal thoughts!

Today my heart is heavy with emotions. To start off, I have been a single mom for 2 weeks now while Jeff is in Oklahoma. Yes, the day finally arrived that Jeff got the phone call to report to the training center in Oklahoma City. What a day that was... I immediately was so happy that after 2 years of waiting and working different jobs here and there, now was the time he could move on with his career. The career we moved up here to pursue. But then after the excitement came the tears because this meant he would be gone for 3 months and I knew I couldn't go with him. I became nervous being left alone, pregnant with a toddler, still having to work once a week and no family for help or support. We have friends but they all have young kids and jobs of their own and I'm not one that asks for help. I've had to rely so much on the Lord at this time, and I can tell you that after 2 weeks of Jeff being gone I have felt the Lord's protection and comfort. This is what we have been waiting for and I needed to support Jeff and remain strong for him, myself and Harper. So far we are surviving. And pretty soon my mom will be here to visit and then we get to fly home to Utah to see family and then spend a few days in Oklahoma with Jeff.

Tonight I had the opportunity to go to our stake center to watch the General Woman's Conference broadcast. I left there feeling so uplifted. The spirit was strong, I was brought to tears and humbled by the talks given. I took notes (like I always do) but for some reason tonights comments keep echoing in my ears over and over. 
First off before I go into my favorite quotes tonight, I want to mention how humbled I am. Tonight was the first session they have invited all girls 8 years of age or older. All talks were geared toward ALL women, no matter your age. But the songs are what pierced my heart and opened the flood gate of tears. I witnessed young 8 year old girls singing and then there mom's joining in with the rest of the congregation. I looked around the chapel I sat in and say so many mom's and daughters and my heart was touched. I have been struggling with the fact of having 2 boys. I really wanted another girl, a sister for Harper. With doing infertility and now having twins, I'm not sure where we stand with having more kids and I know it is too soon to tell. I feel completely selfish saying or thinking this way but tonight I was humbled. I have a little girl!!!!! I have someone to go to these sessions with. I have a little girl to go on dates with while Daddy and the boys go to priesthood sessions. I have a girl to dress up, and paint nails and do make-up with. I have a girl we can support in dance or sports. I have a girl that has her Daddy wrapped around her finger (a bond that I love and will always cherish is seeing Harper and Jeff together) I have a girl that will get married in the temple someday and I will get to be there for her as her mom. I HAVE A GIRL!!! I don't NEED another girl. If the Lord blesses us with more kids, specifically another girl then I will be so happy. Some mom's don't get to have girls... but I have one and I'm so blessed and beyond thankful that the Lord sees me fit to be her mom. And I'm equally blessed to have 2 boys... 2 best buds. 2 men of the priesthood. 2 future missionaries. 2 future dads. I AM SO BLESSED to be a MOTHER in the last days. How am I suppose to raise these kids up to fight the adversary and stay strong in the gospel. The Lord has so much faith in me and Jeff as parents and it's our job to bring these children back to him. 

"Keeping covenants protects us, prepares us and empowers us." 

I loved this comment. Since Jeff has been gone we have challenged each other to read the Book of Mormon start to finish in 3 months. I can barely read the whole book in a year (I always challenge myself but never finish) The last time I have read the book entirely was.... way to long ago to remember. So this truly was a challenge for me. Jeff on the other hand always reads. He is a much better person than I and such a great example. I want my testimony to grow with his, especially since we are parents. I want us to both be able to teach our children the simple gospel truths as well as understand and love the scriptures. Well 2 weeks into reading and I'm actually AHEAD of schedule. I can't put my scriptures down. Once I got started I was sucked in. Now mind you I've read the beginning of the Book of Mormon numerous times so what I'm reading now shouldn't be new, but it is. It's truly speaking to me this time and I'm constantly highlighting, underlining and writing thoughts with every blank space available on the pages. I write down questions I have to ask Jeff the next day and I'm just so immersed in them this time, and I love it. Not only has it brought the spirit into my life stronger than ever but I know Heavenly Father is hearing my prayers and is keeping Harper and I safe and protected. While reading I'm constantly thinking of the covenants Jeff and I made when we were sealed... covenants that "protect us, prepare us and empower us." I will do everything I can on this earth to keep those covenants, not only for myself and my marriage but for my children. I want them to know the truthfulness of the gospel at the earliest age possible. I want them to know the reason they are here is all part of God's plan and that because Jeff and I made such sacred covenants in the temple, we will be together as a family for eternity... as long as we KEEP OUR COVENANTS!!! Making them is not enough, it's living them that is the key. How do you live them? You attend the temple regularly (working on that), you attend ALL of church every week, you read your scriptures personally and as a family, you say personal and family prayers, you fulfill your callings, and you serve those around you. It is so easy to make up excuses, for me especially when it comes to going to the temple and to church. With Jeff gone, it's really hard to go to 9 am church. First off Harper isn't usually up by then. Second we are there during her nap time. I have yet to sit through a meeting or class because I'm too busy keeping her quiet or entertained... but we have gone every week and I have seen the blessings in doing so.  The choices I choose now will affect me and my family so I'm choosing to be a more covenant person so that me and my family are protected, and prepared. 

"We can't call ourselves Christian and continue to be so critical of ourselves and others."

WOW, what a bold statement but how true this is. I'm guilty of this is in so many ways. Living in Alaska has definitely helped overcome being critical of myself. Ask anyone in the church here in Alaska (compared to members in Utah) and they will all tell you that no one here cares what you wear, how you look, what you drive, where you live.... NOTHING is a competition here. (I only say here because I haven't lived anywhere else beside Utah). The church is true no matter where you go, but some members in Utah seem more judgmental and critical of themselves and others. Everyone is trying to keep up with the latest trends so they feel cute or fit in. People go into debt trying to buy materialistic things to keep up with their neighbors or friends. In my opinion, there is a reason Utah is the highest state in the nation for debt. When we are so busy trying to prove ourselves we become selfish and loose sight of why we are here. (Now please know not all members in Utah are this way... I definitely was until I moved) When I think of the word "Christian", I think of someone who emulates Christ. Now, I'm so far from being the Christian I should be. But being outside of Utah has opened my eyes. Jeff and I have had more missionary opportunities in the last 4 years here in Alaska than I know I would've ever had my whole lifetime living in Utah. We feed the missionaries on a weekly to monthly basis (depending on our schedules) We have numerous discussions in our home with investigators and have witnessed the "broken heart and contrite spirit" new converts get when they are ready to be baptised. We have been a part of and supported many convert baptisms. We have made friends, not of our religion, who we have been open with and are willing to discuss the church at any time... and not just that but we feel comfortable answering questions. (Jeff served a mission and is use to this, but I didn't so it's always hard to be put on the spot and answer a question and bear my testimony) Do I want to stay in Alaska forever, no!!! Do I eventually want to move back to Utah, absolutely. In my mind, there is no place like home, and home for me is Utah. I just wish everyone had the opportunity to move out of the state for a little bit, where you have to rely on ward members to be like family. Where you get to serve your neighbors more and not just your "member" neighbors that you see at church. Neighbors and friends who are not members, who get to see our countenance and our example of living a Christlike life and because of how we live they want to know more about you and your religion. I have become better at being so critical about myself (granted, I still get ready everyday, dress nice when going out... because it makes me feel accomplished, especially during the long dark winter months here) I can always improve at being critical of others and I'm trying on a daily basis, but living outside of Utah has opened my eyes and is letting you see the good in others, whether they are members of the church or not. I love having friends who aren't members because it gives me an opportunity to share my testimony.  I felt I took the church for granted In Utah because everyone I knew or associated with was a member. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live in Alaska to meet new people and not be afraid to let them know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.